Out of Love
by coop511
Summary: Set in the Season 6 crossover, Addison is back in Seattle. "You still don't know how you managed to fall out of love with her." It's basically Derek thinking about Addison.
1. Prologue

This is basically Derek, thinking about Addison. It's really short but it may lead to a chapter story.  
But I don't know, yet. And I think this is actually better than my first story... but again, just my opinion.

So this is set in the Season 6 crossover episode, when Addison goes back to Seattle 'cause Mark calls her to operate on Sloane Sloan and her son. But the setting doesn't really matter here...

Again, sorry for any mistakes. English is not my native language, just trying to do my best here.

Lastly, thanks to those who left a review to my first story, it really meant so much to me.

* * *

**_Prologue_**

_You still don't know how you managed to fall out of love with her._

_You see her moving around the hospital, laughing with Callie, joking with Mark, comforting Richard. You found yourself watching her, secretly, with a nostalgic smile on your lips, as she talks with Miranda, and you keep your head down, being careful to not draw too much attention on you. But you always loved watching her._

_You knew right away that she would have turned your life upside down, and you also knew she would have been your ultimate downfall. You wouldn't have ever believed you could have loved so deeply, so passionately, but she had been able of bringing to life the most hidden side of you._

_When you told her about your father for the first time you had only been together for a couple of months. You had never told anyone about that except for Mark and you suddenly were talking about the shop, the watch, the gunshot, Amelia. And she was watching, and listening. It had been more than 10 years but the pain was still there and then she helped your wounds to heal. That first night she held you to her chest and she let you cry and her fingers kept stroking your hair the whole night and the morning after, when you woke up, she was still there, her eyes red: she had been crying for you._

_You loved her so much._

_You used to spend entire days in your bed, cuddling, talking about your lives. She would often talk about those who had hurt her and her eyes would suddenly become void and you couldn't help but feel like you just wanted to kill who had dared to hurt such an amazing creature._

_And then you did the same._

_It's not that you are not happy. Because you are, really. You are confident about that. You have Meredith. And you and Meredith will start a family, soon. And you will build a wonderful house and you will live there together. You and Meredith are the perfect couple, everybody thinks so and you left your wife to be with her. You are so sure that she is your soulmate._

_But seeing Addison wandering around the hallways again and her compelling voice and her long legs, provoke strange feelings in you. It's just because of nostalgia, you keep on repeating that. You lived with her for more than 15 years and then you had to learn to do without her presence, her words, her advice. It's just normal that you miss her, now more than ever, when she is so close and so far from you at the same time. She used to be your best friend, she used to understand you with a simple stare, she used to always know how to make you happy._

_And now, as you watch her laugh, it feels like they're ripping your heart, tearing off a piece of it. Her shining eyes mirroring yours, your hands in her red locks, her intoxicating scent, her legs around your waist. They're just memories._

_And you are jealous of Mark. Because despite everything, despite the pain they inflicted on each other, despite the wounds, the cheating, despite him and Lexie, despite the fact that they're living now separate lives, he succeeded in what you failed. He managed to ensure that she would always be part of his life._

_You, on the other hand, you just hurt her over and over again. You just managed to walk away from her. You just succeeded in erasing her presence from your memories. Or, at least, that's what you thought._

_You still don't know how you managed to fall out of love with her._

_Then you get it._

_You won't ever know that because you still are hopelessly in love with her._


	2. Chapter 1

This is it. So this is the begin of my chapter story… I changed the title of the first chapter, that is now the prologue and so this is the first real chapter.

Let me know what you think.

* * *

Then she left without giving him time to understand and to talk to her.

The answers he was looking for were inside him, he just had to learn how to read them.

Leaving Meredith was not an option at that time: the one thing he knew for sure was that he loved his post-it wife but things were complicated. He tried to talk about them with Mark, each time coming to a stop and in the end he just gave up. Although the two had went back to be good friends, Addison was still an off-limits topic for both of them.

He had let the red woman go back to Los Angeles without a word and he had spared no efforts in trying to not think about her since then. Circumstances had made things easier: the thought of an alcoholic Richard and the problems that would have descended from that kept him more than busy. He would have been the next Chief of Surgery now that both Preston Burke and Addison had left. He bore down on Meredith so that she would recognize Richard's problems too and eventually he got to seat on that chair for which he aimed since he came to Seattle.

Being in charge of the hospital required efforts and hard work leaving little space for personal life, but Derek was sure it was just a matter of habit and that sooner or later he would have found the right balance between his career and the family he wanted to build. When he got home, at night, Meredith was there waiting for him, Meredith who had been supportive and who listened to him rattle on about administrative issues which she not cared about. He kept on repeating he was happy and in the meantime thoughts of Addison were more and more rare. He had forgotten that, years before, he had dreamt about those same moments and that the woman he had always pictured by his side was one with high heels on her feet, amazing red hairs and a highly contagious laugh.

But when he had a gun pointed to his chest, while he told that man his family's story, all he could think about was her. And it didn't matter that, just as the bullet made his way through his chest and he fell down on the ground, Meredith's voice was the one filling the hallways 'cause the only voice echoing in his ears was Addison's.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

The phone was ringing but she had no intention of answering it.

The night before she had decided that Sam and the happiness deriving from being with him were not enough to learn to do without her best friend and that was why she had found herself in his living room again, yelling and arguing endlessly, until she had decided she had had enough and she had ran back to her house and crawled into bed exhausted.

Now the phone kept ringing but she was just not ready to face the new day. She sank her face into the pillow and held back a cry.

"Amelia are you there?" she asked hoping that the young woman was at home, sparing her a possible awkward conversation she didn't want to have yet.

When she got no answer, she reached out an arm and took the phone, sighing.

"Hello."

"Addison." His voice was hoarser than usual, she figured out something was wrong right away.

"Mark. What happened?"

She knew before he spoke again. _Please don't say that._

"Addison, it's Derek." He breathed deeply. He spoke slowly, weighing every word. As if it was difficult for him to carry on an entire conversation. "It was." Pause. "Yesterday." Again. "He had heart surgery."

She struggled for breath. The image of an intubated Derek engraved in her mind. "Mark, what the hell…"

"He was shot, yesterday. One of his patient's husband."

Her eyes wide, she kept having trouble breathing. This couldn't be real. _No._ The fear of any other news Mark could had, prevented her from talking. She was paralyzed.

"He is stable now but they don't know when he is going to wake up. If he is going to wake up."

Her world fell apart. The man who had been by her side for more than 15 years, the man she had loved more than her own life, was now struggling between life and death. She wanted to ask Mark for details, she wanted to know exactly how it could have been possible that someone had just shot Derek. Derek whose eyes inspired nothing but kindness and goodness, whose words were always friendly and confident. But when she tried to talk, nothing came out. And Mark didn't talk either.

"Addison I think…"

"Amelia." After minutes of silence he spoke again, but she stopped him. Derek was Amelia's brother. If someone had talked to her already, the young woman would certainly be devastated. Her relationship with Derek was an unstable one, she had always looked at him with admiration and devotion, always fearing his judgments though. They had not spoken in years. "I should find her."

Mark took a deep breath. "Addison I think you should come here."

"What?" This didn't make any sense. "I don't think that would be such a good idea." A picture of Meredith at her ex-husband's bedside popped up in her mind. The woman who had once been her own mother-in-law now by the blonde intern's side. No. That was not a good idea.

"Addison he would want you here…"

"No Mark. We're divorced!" She said firmly, angrily, raising her voice.

Mark stood still, quiet, unable to talk, still shocked by what was happening around him.

"I'm sorry." She said realizing it wasn't fair to get angry at him. "I didn't mean… it's just… I'll talk to Amelia and she will be there." _But I won't, 'cause he made it clear that he doesn't need me._

"Okay." Mark was now talking in a whisper. More seconds went by in silence. Both of them were unable of understanding the situation clearly.

"Mark, be there for him." Her eyes filled with tears.

"Yeah…"

"I'll let you know when Amelia will be there."

And then she put the phone down, without waiting for his answer, before tears would completely prevail.

Sobs wracked her body. How was it even possible that Derek was in the hospital, hurt? He who had always been the one protecting her, who had always been the one making her feel safe. Then she realized the man who she had been crying for was also the one who had broke her, piece by piece, without regrets. He was supposed to be just a distant memory. And he was still very present in her life instead.

_I've been married to him for 11 years, I thought of him as the love of my life. Things would have been strange if I didn't care._

But she knew she wasn't being honest with herself.

When she moved to LA she thought she had put Derek behind her forever. Then she went back to Seattle with Archer and she learnt that would never happen and he would always be a part of her. But now, more than a year later, something else was bothering her. _It can't be right? _She was so sure she was over him but picturing him intubated, almost lifeless in a hospital bed made her question all of her beliefs.

Tears kept streaming down her face and she was hyperventilating. She knew she just had to stay calm. For Amelia. She still had to find her.  
She put herself together, she wiped her tears with her hands and she got up from the bed.

Although her own reaction to the news had been terrible, she already knew that Amelia's would have been even worse. And she was the only one who could calm her down.  
She had to find her.


End file.
